VCD to MRS

Today as I was standing outside with Declan wrapped to my chest in his Moby taking clothes off the clothes line {thank you Darren for putting it up for me!} and I felt whole. That probably sounds weird.. how is wearing your baby and doing laundry something that makes you feel complete? Let me explain. I hate laundry. I love being a mom.

I went to college and got a BS in VCD (Visual Communications Design). I'm decent at it. I was not the best in my class for sure but I could make a living if I needed too but in all honesty I went to college to get my MRS degree. To find someone to marry and be a wife and a mom. It took me a long time to come to terms with that idea and to realize that it wasn't a bad thing either. I didn't realize it when I was in college either, I wasn't out trolling for the perfect man and trick him into marrying me or anything like that. But last spring I finally came to realize that what I want as my 'career'.

I married a good man. A man who wanted just as many kids as I do {5... we're still deciding on that one} A man who wants me to be happy at all costs. Last year I had decided that I wanted to be a paramedic. I found a school, figured out the cost, got financial aid, and was ready to commit when my good man hit me with hard truth. If I did the paramedic route, I would be in school for 2.5 years graduating at the age of 28/29. Darren has always made it very clear that he wanted me to be a stay at home mom. That if we were going to have children, I was going to be at home to raise them. (let me be perfectly clear that there is nothing wrong with the working mom or having your child in daycare. Someday we might have to do that as well but in our perfect world this is what we both desire for our family) So basically it boiled down to this: either I pursued being a paramedic and we didn't have children. Ever. Or I find a job with my already earned degree and we try to get pregnant. Darren, being a good man, promised me he was fine with either decision I made, that he wanted me to be happy but it was my decision. Well poop. My Good man gave me a lot to think about. There were a lot of factors but a big one I was wrestling with was I didn't want to be JUST a stay at home mom. Out of all of my friends who have children, one stays home. They are all working moms. Where I shouldn't care how my friends perceive me, I do. I already wrestle with the fact that I will never have a career like they do. I gave that up so my husband could have a career. I end up with minimum wage jobs (or no job) and taking care of the bills, the budget, sometimes finding a house and moving every three years so he can have his career and now I'm going to add stay at home mom to my resume.. I honestly felt like my friends were going to hand me the bon bons. NOTE - NONE of my friends have ever given me a reason to think this way.. I just built this all up in my head.

So I'm wrestling with all of this on a time crunch because I have to let my school know my decision in 3 days. I finally decided to go to God about this life changing decision I have to make. So that Saturday afternoon, while drinking a cold one on the back patio of my new, stupid hot Texas home, having a conversation with God.. or more my yelling at Him to tell me what to do because this is a big decision for one to make and there is a lot more going into it than I am writing,  I realize that I never thought of my mom JUST being a stay at home mom. I loved that she was always there for me. I loved that she was home when I got home from school and that she could go on my field trips. I never thought less of her for making that choice. In fact, I thought more of her for it. My mind flooded with all the children that have been in my life and then the choice was very clear and very simple. I wanted that degree. The MRS degree. 10 months later our little man joined us.

I'm happiest when Darren comes home from work and I can rattle off how I did six loads of laundry, cleaned the house, paid the bills, grocery shopped, and have dinner in the oven because I feel accomplished in the roll of being his wife. They aren't just chores as they are to some. So today while I wearing my sweet smelling baby, taking down his little clothes I felt complete. This is my career. Military wife. Stay at home mom. I am good at this. Times might change those things and we will roll with the punches when that happens. But for now, I like my job. I still want to be a paramedic and someday I hope to get the chance to chase that dream.


(To my working moms who might read this: I admire that you can do all the daily living chores and work a fulltime job. Please don't feel that I think less of you for doing so or that I am feeling above you because I don't work. I know some of you would love to be at home fulltime and some of you love being a working mom. This was just about my personal feelings and my choice I had to make)

Mighty Little Man

What do you do with a baby!

I think I'm finally getting this baby thing down.. finally. Which means he is going to change it up on me I just know it!

 I love babies. I love Declan. I didn't realize how boring they were and what on earth do you do with them all day! I really could sit and stare all day at his precious face but then nothing would get done. The first few weeks I was healing so I had a good excuse to sit, watch TV, and just hold him and nurse but now we are at week 6 and that excuse isn't flying anymore. He is getting the hang of this nursing thing {finally} and we are stretching out our feedings a little bit so I actually can be productive with my life but there is only so much I can do with one hand!

 I'm sure all you Momma's out there will laugh but I really didn't think about what to do with a baby. I would always jump at the chance to hold my friends' babies and babysit anyone's kid but I never thought about how do you go about your day to day with a baby. Kids you can do things with. Babies just lay there, at least for the first few months. You can't just stick it in the crib all day until it needs to eat or be changed. It was a huge smack in the face the first few days after my parents left and Darren went back to work. Declan loves to be held... more like he hates not to be held {thank goodness for baby wearing}.  So how do I get the dishes done, laundry done {so much laundry!} let alone go the bathroom and make sure my baby is happy at all times {I won't be a catering parent to all my children's needs and wants when they are older... but right now keeping him happy and feeling safe and secure is my job. Happy baby. Happy Momma. Happy Family}.  Darren helps with anything I need and is never upset when he comes home and sees the dishes haven't moved but have been added to and the laundry is still not done. He makes it a point to say taking care of Declan is my number one job so everything else can wait {I sure know how to pick them!} but gosh I used to be this fantastic multitasker and kept my house clean and dishes always put away. I honestly expected to be able to do the same once the baby got here ( you can laugh) I know time will help and we will get into the swing of things. I mean it only took me 5 weeks to go out and about by myself with Declan and now I feel completely comfortable doing so! Clearly I'm figuring it out but that was not something covered in my baby books!!

Momma's little snuggler

Declan's Entrance

February 4, 2014 I woke up earlier than I would have liked at 7:30 am with what I thought was gas pains. I took the necessary steps and realized we weren't having gas pains but contractions! I started watching the clock and noticed they were three minutes apart but they didn't hurt and I could talk and breathe through them. We already had a doc appointment set up that day so I called to let them know I was having contractions and then called Darren. He was supposed to be in a meeting all day where I wouldn't be able to reach him. Thankfully I got a hold of him before he went and someone else was able to go instead. I texted my dad, who was in Europe, to let him know that I couldn't guarantee the little one would wait until he returned! He called me a little bit later so we could talk just in case this was the last time before the baby was born. (How wonderful is technology that I can text and call my dad when he is across the ocean!) I packed up all our hospital bags and a change of clothes for Darren and met him at our appointment.  He gave me a hard time for bringing everything but I reminded him that my mom went in for a checkup with my brother and two hours later brought him home! I was 90% effaced I was still only 2 centimeters dilated. My doctor said I could go in 24 hours or it could still be two weeks. Once we got home I tried to nap and go about my day as usual (which let’s be honest, meant I was just going to watch TV and be lazy)

Around 9:30 that night my contractions went from being little tummy crunches into actually stopping me in my tracks. Of course they were all over the place time wise. We went to bed at 11 and I laid in bed until around 1 and finally gave up on the sleeping part. I moved to the living room and called my wonderful doula. By 1 am my contractions were about 7 minutes apart. She said to try and labor at home as long as possible so I bounced on my Pilates ball, ate ice chips, and watched TV until 3 am when the contractions hit the 3 minute mark. I woke up Darren (he will tell you I violently shook him awake; I did not!) and we headed to the hospital. We live 5 minutes from the hospital and by the time we got there they were about 1 minute apart.

The first nurse to measure me (which is not pleasant when you are having contractions) said I was 9 centimeters dilated! Everyone was running around crazy considering I was suppose to have antibiotics for at least 4 hours before I gave birth because I tested positive for the streptococcal and it looked like that wasn't going to happen. Darren texted our doula and both our doula and my doctor came screaming in. Evelyn, our doula, joked that I was trying to beat my mom’s record! The doctor measured me and realized I was only 6 centimeters dilated. Pam, my other doula arrived thankfully because I was convinced Declan was going to come out my hips instead and Pam is a registered masseuse and pushed in my hips for each contraction. Life saver. 

My original plan was to do all natural, no drugs, and not to give birth on my back. I wanted to squat; but around 7 am and 8 centimeters dilated my tolerable contractors turned into back labor and that is a whole new pain. Darren told me he was very impressed with how I was handling my labor; breathing through and not screaming or really making any sound even though my contractions were going off the chart on the computer. Once the back labor hit the game changed and I had to give in to an epidural. I finally got that magical drug at 9.5 centimeters. I truly got the perfect epidural; I was able to move my legs and feel my contractions, I just didn't feel any pain with them. Magical.

 Declan was ‘sunny side up’ and the doctor had me turn on my side for an hour to help rotate him. I really appreciated my doctor in that instead of going inside of me to turn him (which would have been invasive for me and traumatic for Declan) she opted for me to turn on my side. It was great having a doctor who just let nature work as it was intended. Even where a lot of doctors would have wanted to scrap me at 90% effaced she just sent me home and let me body do what it was suppose to do. Simply love her.

Though I hadn't wanted an epidural, if I had to do over again I wouldn't change a thing. At that point I had been up for 24 hours and I’m not sure I would have had the energy to push when needed if I hadn't gotten a little bit of rest.  This also gave Darren a chance to take a quick nap. We both got about an hour or so of sleep and I got so cold they had to bring me heated blankets {amazing} during that time. Finally Declan turned around and it was time for the show!! I decided to allow students in the room as long as they kept quiet (how else do they learn if they don’t watch?)

 A few minutes before we were getting ready to push Darren and I were informed that the hospital was shooting a commercial that morning and they had heard we didn't know if we were having a boy or a girl. They thought that was so cool they asked if they could film us and have the actual moment of finding out and use it for their commercial. We would get all the raw footage and what was a few more people in the room at this point! So we signed some papers and a camera man and a light tech joined our little party!

Darren texted our family and friends that we were getting ready to push and we began! My water had broken a little before then and it only took me a hour and a half of pushing for Declan to join us. (I apparently do take after my mom after all!) I did have to get oxygen because Declan’s heartbeat started to drop a little but that was the largest complication we had with him. Little Man joined us at 9:20 am February 5, 2014.

It’s such a surreal feeling. Part of me just didn't feel like he was even mine or this was even real. You wait and want for such a long time to have a baby and you get used to being pregnant and regardless of how long you labor for, in just a minute it changes you have this little baby. I loved him instantly but I also didn't feel he was mine until later that night when we were finally able to nurse. Not everyone might understand that but I only got to hold him for a few minutes before he was taken to the nursery and then it was hours before I saw him again and even though I could hold him he didn't need to nurse (his stomach was full of amniotic fluid we didn't know about) so I just felt like I was holding someone else’s baby. It wasn't until around 11 pm that night (after he threw it all up) I was able to nurse him and then it all hit home and he really became ‘mine’.

Darren went with Declan for all the nursery things while I got stitched up. However, given I was so swollen and being a redhead (we lose a lot of blood) it took an hour and my doctor had to call in another surgeon to get my stitches to hold. Then, as they were checking all the medical things out they realized they were missing a piece of gauze. So I got an x-ray to make sure it wasn't left inside of me {o fun}; it wasn't and after another hour they finally found it inside a glove. At this point I has been two hours since Declan was born and I lost double the amount of blood most women lose during child birth (not enough to have a transfusion) and I hadn't eaten since 10 pm the previous night all resulting in I passed out. Thankfully I was watching the anesthesiologist as I was coming too and asked him what he was about to give me. He responded with “a drug to protect my brain in case I had another seizure!” What! Someone had misinformed someone and thought I had a seizure instead of just passing out and thankfully I caught him before I was given any drugs! 

After all that excitement I finally got some food and we were moved to our postpartum room. (Until I got pregnant I didn't realize postpartum was what it was called after you gave birth. I thought it was just shortened from postpartum depression and I always wondered why there were so many women depressed after they had a baby)

We had a wonderful staff and stay at the hospital. I wouldn't change a single thing. I was sure I was going to have a little girl and now that he is here I just can’t even imagine having anything other than my beautiful little boy.