I went to college and got a BS in VCD (Visual Communications Design). I'm decent at it. I was not the best in my class for sure but I could make a living if I needed too but in all honesty I went to college to get my MRS degree. To find someone to marry and be a wife and a mom. It took me a long time to come to terms with that idea and to realize that it wasn't a bad thing either. I didn't realize it when I was in college either, I wasn't out trolling for the perfect man and trick him into marrying me or anything like that. But last spring I finally came to realize that what I want as my 'career'.
I married a good man. A man who wanted just as many kids as I do {5... we're still deciding on that one} A man who wants me to be happy at all costs. Last year I had decided that I wanted to be a paramedic. I found a school, figured out the cost, got financial aid, and was ready to commit when my good man hit me with hard truth. If I did the paramedic route, I would be in school for 2.5 years graduating at the age of 28/29. Darren has always made it very clear that he wanted me to be a stay at home mom. That if we were going to have children, I was going to be at home to raise them. (let me be perfectly clear that there is nothing wrong with the working mom or having your child in daycare. Someday we might have to do that as well but in our perfect world this is what we both desire for our family) So basically it boiled down to this: either I pursued being a paramedic and we didn't have children. Ever. Or I find a job with my already earned degree and we try to get pregnant. Darren, being a good man, promised me he was fine with either decision I made, that he wanted me to be happy but it was my decision. Well poop. My Good man gave me a lot to think about. There were a lot of factors but a big one I was wrestling with was I didn't want to be JUST a stay at home mom. Out of all of my friends who have children, one stays home. They are all working moms. Where I shouldn't care how my friends perceive me, I do. I already wrestle with the fact that I will never have a career like they do. I gave that up so my husband could have a career. I end up with minimum wage jobs (or no job) and taking care of the bills, the budget, sometimes finding a house and moving every three years so he can have his career and now I'm going to add stay at home mom to my resume.. I honestly felt like my friends were going to hand me the bon bons. NOTE - NONE of my friends have ever given me a reason to think this way.. I just built this all up in my head.
So I'm wrestling with all of this on a time crunch because I have to let my school know my decision in 3 days. I finally decided to go to God about this life changing decision I have to make. So that Saturday afternoon, while drinking a cold one on the back patio of my new, stupid hot Texas home, having a conversation with God.. or more my yelling at Him to tell me what to do because this is a big decision for one to make and there is a lot more going into it than I am writing, I realize that I never thought of my mom JUST being a stay at home mom. I loved that she was always there for me. I loved that she was home when I got home from school and that she could go on my field trips. I never thought less of her for making that choice. In fact, I thought more of her for it. My mind flooded with all the children that have been in my life and then the choice was very clear and very simple. I wanted that degree. The MRS degree. 10 months later our little man joined us.
I'm happiest when Darren comes home from work and I can rattle off how I did six loads of laundry, cleaned the house, paid the bills, grocery shopped, and have dinner in the oven because I feel accomplished in the roll of being his wife. They aren't just chores as they are to some. So today while I wearing my sweet smelling baby, taking down his little clothes I felt complete. This is my career. Military wife. Stay at home mom. I am good at this. Times might change those things and we will roll with the punches when that happens. But for now, I like my job. I still want to be a paramedic and someday I hope to get the chance to chase that dream.
(To my working moms who might read this: I admire that you can do all the daily living chores and work a fulltime job. Please don't feel that I think less of you for doing so or that I am feeling above you because I don't work. I know some of you would love to be at home fulltime and some of you love being a working mom. This was just about my personal feelings and my choice I had to make)
Mighty Little Man
