Diaper Changes

Little Man needed his diaper changed. Now that he is mobile, diaper changes are usually a six handed circus preformed with only 2 hands.. he does not have time to lay there for 5 minutes. He's got windows to bang on and dog tails to pull and since we cloth diaper sometimes my leg shows up trying to keep him down while I snap on his new diaper. But nap time was upon us and this time he was calm. He looked at his hands for a bit. He talked to me, told me his stories. I gave his tummy a raspberry and he smiled at me. A new smile, one with a giggle. It made all the other circus times worth it. That new smile. Little wrinkled nose and twinkly eyes. One little tooth poking through. O my precious boy. You show me so much in such a simple way. I could have ignored his chatter and just changed him as fast as I could. I didn't have to kiss your soft little belly. I didn't have to respond to your stories. I could have tried to beat my previous diaper changing record while you laid there actually content but instead I enjoyed you and saw your new smile. I smiled as I listened to you say "mama" over and over again knowing in a few weeks you might realize that is my name and when I responded "yes baby" you wrinkled your nose to me.  I snapped you up and we rocked until you fell asleep. You fell asleep with your little hand wrapped around my finger and your paci dangling out of your mouth. My sweet child, you warm me to my very core. I'm so thankful for your diaper changes.

I will lift my voice

This past weekend my church attended a conference on evangelism. I was unable to attend but my Pastor posted on Facebook when he got home his testimony. Wednesday night in bible study, another lady mentioned that in the conference they said if you can not sit down and right your testimony, you need to have a chat with God. Pastor Lakan also said on Sunday in church that he will stop anyone and show them pictures of his grandchildren and that is how we need to be for the Lord. It's really stuck with me. I'll tell anyone about my son. I post constantly about how essential oils are helping my family (I'm sure you haven't noticed) but what about my Lord? He gave me the beautiful gift that we call Declan. He brought Young Living into my life. More importantly - HE is my life. Right?

So. My Testimony.

I was brought up in the church. My grandparents are believers, my parents are believers and the majority of my friends are as well (considering I met most of them at church) I went to church camp, christian school, and I have always been very involved with my church as a teen. Clearly, I was a christian. I knew my verses, I knew that Christ was my Savior. I knew that I could speak to Him personally and He was in control of my life. I have had some very deep and meaningful conversations with friends about God and who He was. I shed tears on mission trips when I saw Him working.

I went to college. Finally, my choice if I went to church or not. Freshman and some of sophomore year I was pretty good about going to church. Mostly because I had a dear friends whom I had grown up with and we all went together. We were involved in CRU (campus Crusaders for Christ) and I even did a mission trip to Germany for my freshman spring break with them. CRU left a bad taste in my mouth. I had been in a relationship with someone who was not a believer and they were pushing me to end it and frankly I thought they were wrong. This person was open to God and church. He came to church and CRU with us, he just wasn't saved yet. So I left Cru and stayed with him. Fast forward a year when we broke up - get this - because he became a christian and our relationship was not honoring God. It was a hard. It probably took me a little under a year to really move past him and we won't get into details of my lowest of low points during that time but lets say at night I prayed to God for his comfort but didn't trust it during the day. I joined my Sorority and slowly I began my climb back up. I helped lead a bible study and I got involved in InnerVaristy.

Darren (who is saved) and I got married in June of 2010 and moved to South Dakota. We quickly tried to find a church. Honestly, I don't know why. Maybe because I felt like it is what we were suppose to do. We found Calvary Baptist. I quickly fell in love with this church. The people, the pastor, the feel I got when I walked in the door. In Nov 2011 I was baptized by Pastor Steve. Darren and I had some conversations about it as did Sam and I. I frankly had no desire to be baptized but I decided to be simply because it is what God commanded and I was His follower and I felt it was important to obey God's authority. Through our time in SD I attended bible studies and helped in Awana. I saw God working in many aspects of my life and I felt His presence often, especially while Darren was deployed for 6 months.

Have you noticed in my story so far I haven't made mention of the time I asked Christ into my heart? In the Spring of 2013, before we left to Texas, Sam and I were discussing that. I told her how I don't really remember doing it. I was about 99% sure I had at some point but I couldn't tell you when. Probably at church camp. I had also heard once that where we should always be asking for forgiveness of our sins, we only need to ask Christ into our lives once and the constant doing so is like saying "God I don't actually trust you saved me so I'm going to ask again...and again... and again" I obviously didn't want to do that so I decided my 99% sureness was good enough. There had been times that I had started to pray it, a little half heartily, more of a reassurance type deal. But not seriously. I was discussing all of this with Sam. Homegirl can always hit me with the truth when I need it. She said, why don't you just have a conversation with Him about it and see how your heart feels afterwards? Tell Him what you are feeling and thinking. He'll respond. I pondered this for a while. A couple weeks. Not that I doubted her. I was just thinking it over.

April 18, 2013 we started our drive to Texas. I was following Darren and we were in WY. The mountains were beautiful. There was a stream running next to us. I just felt God there. I turned off my radio and decided well its now or never. God and I had a chat. I can even show you the exact spot on that road where I finally said those simple but powerful words "Lord, I need you in my heart. I know you died for my sins. Forgive me for what I have done, the things I have said and thought. Please come into my heart and transform it for you" I drove a little ways in silence and eventually turned my radio back on and continued my drive.

I've always seen God working in my life. His blessings. The people we have met and the opportunities we have had. Even the hardships we have faced like a deployment, Darren's migraines, the AF cut backs possibly affecting us. He's always been there, patiently waiting for me to come to Him. He's shown me how powerful He is so many times but it took me so long to see it. To really get it. That I might have been walking along His path but I was not walking on His path, following His footsteps.

Where I'm not a fan of Texas {I just don't do the heat!} I will be heartbroken to leave our church here. In the short 18 months that we have been attending and involved I have learned and grown more than I ever dreamed. They have transformed my thoughts. When they found out we were pregnant, they immediately prayed for Declan's salvation. Kid wasn't even born yet and they prayed. When they learned of my dear neighbor's Mom being ill and wouldn't make it much longer, the first words out of their mouths were "Is she saved" and then they prayed for her salvation and prayed that if she wasn't that the Lord would awake her just briefly enough for her to know Him before she passed {she was already}When our pastor's wife was taken from this world with cancer, they rejoiced in knowing she was in Heaven. Her children gathered around her and sang praise music and worshiped God. In highschool I would  look forward to bible study, Sunday school, church, to see my friends; Now I can't wait to hear what the Lord has done in my friends lives, I can't wait to see what He wants to show me in His scripture. I can not wait to see what the Lord has in store for our lives, whether in trial and tribulation or in His blessings. And - I can not wait to share the Lord with my son.

That is my testimony. What is yours?

Patience.

Patience... I'm learning patience. I'm an instant gratification type of person. I hate waiting on my cookies to be done, events to happen, or waiting for things I want to purchase. I have the hardest time learning something new because as excited and open to learning new things as I am I get frustrated that it takes time and I don't know it instantly. Example: Darren bought me a new camera, a DSLR! I love it. I hate having to learn about it! I just want to know how everything works and be able to take great photos right away but sadly that isn't happening and I'm having to actually learn the different between shutter speed, aperture, and what on earth F stop is. But I'll get it because I know the time I put into will be worth it later on. The struggle is real though... I told my brother I wish I could just download his brain into mine. I  "just want to do it" I hate reading directions or being shown how to do something. Let me do it! I'll learn on the way!  I'm a very hands on person.

Declan is teaching me patience in more ways than I ever knew possible. First off he is trying so hard to crawl and getting so frustrated at the same time! I help him a bit. I try to show him how and I pick him up when he gets too angry but I know his frustration is what will fuel his ability to move and with time (see patience) he will get it. But for me, I just want him to be able to do it. I know he will be happier. {I probably won't be because now I have a baby on the move!} but he will be. But it is out of my hands. So I must idly sit by and watch him struggle {I'm sure this is somehow getting me ready for the rest of his life, watching him struggle and knowing when to intervene and when to let him fall} He'll get it. When he is ready.

He is teaching me patience {and trust} as we start food. Instead of doing purees we have gone straight to table foods - he eats whatever we eat- and we let Declan feed himself.  This helps dexterity, eye hand coordination, and he learns how to move food around his mouth much quicker than spoon feeding him. (not that there is something wrong with spoon feeding! Just after some research we felt this was better for us!) He's actually pretty good with a spoon on his own! There are many times I want to just do it myself. Let me put the food in your mouth! I will actually get it in your mouth rather than you getting it everywhere but the opening we are aiming for! Every time I step in and try to help, he gags. But if I sit back, let him learn and be patient he will eventually get it in his mouth without any gagging. And he's much happier doing it himself!

Lastly, he is teaching me patience at night but more importantly asking for patience. Since we started foods his little gut is working so hard to process all these new things so at night ...usually between the hours of 1-5... he is very unhappy. He fusses until I can get a burp or a fart of out him and then he will go back to sleep but that can take anywhere from 15 minutes to 1 hour and it isn't guaranteed how long the sleep will last until another bubble works its way through. And during this time of gassy unhappiness he is crying. Marshal leaves the room... lucky dog. Darren has moved back to the guest bedroom for the time being... lucky husband. So it's just me and a gassy baby at 3 am. We've tried bicycles, gripe water, colic/gas tablets (which so far seem to be the best help!), and patting or more so drumming. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn't matter. I have found what really matters is my attitude and that all depends on before I fall asleep. The nights I go to bed without asking for God to give me patience are awful. I am cranky and angry. I have no patience for my poor Little Man and I'm grumpy in the morning. But the nights I go to bed praying, asking God to grant me patience, to remind me this is a small window in hopefully a long life, that Declan needs my comfort, and he isn't doing this on purpose; I am calm. Even if the crying lasts a hour or more. I am patient. I am understanding. So again... my little 6 month old {almost 7 months!!} gassy man is teaching me more about the Lord and His control than I ever imagined.

Time

Those who know me have probably figured out I'm a little passionate about breastfeeding {don't worry, its not one of those posts} I have always assumed I would nurse my babies for the economical advantage (formula is expensive yo!), the ability to feed my child anywhere (can't leave my boobs at home!), and the over all health benefits for both my child and me. Those have all proven true along with the indescribable bond it has given me with Declan. But here is one I never expected: Time.

Breastmilk is designed to be digested between 3-4 hours and even though nursing is natural, it is still a learned process on both mom and baby so the first couple weeks you pretty much sit around and do nothing but feed yourself and feed your baby. Some babies eat fast, some eat slow. Declan started as a slow eater.. He took about 1.5 -2 hours to eat {I watched a lot of movies} and ate every 3 hours or less. In the first few weeks I frankly didn't care because I was glad to just sit around and watch movies. And as he has grown up he has gotten more efficient and usually we are done to 15 minutes but that's only been in the last month or so. And that is still every 3 hours.

I'll be honest... I'm a pretty lazy person and I have no concept of time. I used to be able to lose an entire day to an SVU marathon forgetting I had homework that might take me longer than 20 minutes. I love to nap and even though I like to be busy, I don't need to be busy all the time like some of my friends. I have no problem choosing TV, Facebook, video games over dishes, laundry, or cleaning. It's always frustrated me but clearly not enough for me to try and change my habits. It's also worried me a little. How will I get my "me" time, my lazy time, with having a baby, a toddler, a 5 year old? Even before I had a baby I have thought about this (usually after babysitting for 4 hours) Then, little mister I need to eat every 3 hours, came along and I lost even more time because now I have to sit down and feed him. I remember crying to Darren {postpartum hormones... o man} how was I going to do anything?! I can barely get a shower in before I have to feed him again and it's going to be this way for 6 months!  But that is the beauty of children. They change you. They help you focus. Little did I know that I can actually feed Declan, then go to the grocery store, get home, put everything away, do a load of laundry, grab a shower, and start dinner before he needs to eat again! I'm not gonna lie... I was pretty amazed at first. I'm still lazy at heart ;) but Declan has helped me be productive. He has helped me stay focused and actually manage my time. I was always amazed at mom's who seemed to get everything done, now I know their secret :)

Growing Pains

It's such a love hate relationship I have with this whole "growing up" thing. I love watching my Little Man discover the world around him. Everything is fascinating and exciting. He's discovered Marshal and likes to pet him and talk to him. I've tried to get it on the video but I swear he knows when its on and will stop doing whatever adorable thing he is doing! {Willi also has this problem...} Watching him learn really helps me take time to stop and enjoy the simple things. However - I also hate it. I can't wait to start food in a few months, and I can't wait for him to be able to sit up on his own. I can't wait for him to stand and have his first words but with all of that means he's not going to be my little baby anymore!!

Today, he needed a nap. He was rubbing his eyes, his eyebrows got red like they do when he is sleepy and he was wanting his paci. All his typical "I need a nap" signs. So I picked him up and headed to his room to rock him. Paci in, blanket on, noise box on and we're rocking. He just stares at me. Bright eyed. Sleepy eyed. I rocked for about 15 minutes and nothing changes so I said "fine stubborn pants, we'll go to Target and you will fall asleep in the car and then I'll wear you and you'll nap!" I laid him in his crib so I could get things ready. I came back to check on him and he had found his dinosaur blanket taggie thing and was cuddling it, still wide awake. I went to get the laundry to take outside and checked on him one more time.... he's out. No crying. No fussing. No needing me to rock him - out. Granted part of me was ecstatic, he fell asleep on his own without needing me to help him! Part of me was a little sad because I truly love rocking his fluffy butt to sleep everyday and part of me was like why can't you do this at night!! LOL! Yesterday he napped for 2 hours in his crib. I almost didn't know what to do with myself!

Darren on the other hand is counting down the days that he can pull all the Legos out and play with him. Its been so wonderful to watch Darren interact with Declan. He loves to talk to him. They both make the funniest sounds. He'll lay with him and play or sit at his computer with Little Man sitting on the table (holding him up of course) He also likes to explain his video games to him... even though Momma says no tv {I suppose a little won't kill him!} Darren has come more alive the more Declan has come alive. In the last month Declan has also started recognizing Darren and he lights up when he sees him. Its so precious. Darren has been very understanding that Declan prefers me because I'm mom and it hasn't bothered him, but you can tell he is very much elated that our Little Man is starting to get excited over his face too :)

The Truth will drop you to your knees.

I've been meaning to write for a month now... babies take up a lot of time! But you already knew that ;)

A few weeks ago I finally made it back to church. Just the little man and I, Darren was home with a migraine. We were singing some praise music and for the life of me I can not remember the song, but I had Declan in his sling and while he worked on a nap, I held him close, swayed to the music and sang.  I knew being a mom would change a lot of things. My view of certain situations, my thoughts on what is really clean and what can wait. My priorities.  Everyone says you never know love until you're a mom, it is the most annoying thing I heard during pregnancy {next too, you don't look 9 months pregnant!!} but it is the most truthful; however you know what threw me for a loop? Being a mom of a boy and singing about God sending his Son to die for my sins. Yeah I lost it. It's probably the sinner in me but I can tell you right now if the fate of everyone's soul was relying on my son we would all be partying in hell. So talk about taking you to your knees. I've been a christian my whole life. I was baptized a few years ago and I know my way around the bible pretty well. I thought I had a good understanding of what Jesus' sacrifice meant. I did not get what God sacrificed. Talk about a new perspective.

So as cliche as this might sound, Declan has not only made me a better person - or at least strive to be, but be a better christian. We don't always make it to church, and I try to make it to my Wednesday night bible study (sometimes I forget its Wednesday....) but we are on the road.

VCD to MRS

Today as I was standing outside with Declan wrapped to my chest in his Moby taking clothes off the clothes line {thank you Darren for putting it up for me!} and I felt whole. That probably sounds weird.. how is wearing your baby and doing laundry something that makes you feel complete? Let me explain. I hate laundry. I love being a mom.

I went to college and got a BS in VCD (Visual Communications Design). I'm decent at it. I was not the best in my class for sure but I could make a living if I needed too but in all honesty I went to college to get my MRS degree. To find someone to marry and be a wife and a mom. It took me a long time to come to terms with that idea and to realize that it wasn't a bad thing either. I didn't realize it when I was in college either, I wasn't out trolling for the perfect man and trick him into marrying me or anything like that. But last spring I finally came to realize that what I want as my 'career'.

I married a good man. A man who wanted just as many kids as I do {5... we're still deciding on that one} A man who wants me to be happy at all costs. Last year I had decided that I wanted to be a paramedic. I found a school, figured out the cost, got financial aid, and was ready to commit when my good man hit me with hard truth. If I did the paramedic route, I would be in school for 2.5 years graduating at the age of 28/29. Darren has always made it very clear that he wanted me to be a stay at home mom. That if we were going to have children, I was going to be at home to raise them. (let me be perfectly clear that there is nothing wrong with the working mom or having your child in daycare. Someday we might have to do that as well but in our perfect world this is what we both desire for our family) So basically it boiled down to this: either I pursued being a paramedic and we didn't have children. Ever. Or I find a job with my already earned degree and we try to get pregnant. Darren, being a good man, promised me he was fine with either decision I made, that he wanted me to be happy but it was my decision. Well poop. My Good man gave me a lot to think about. There were a lot of factors but a big one I was wrestling with was I didn't want to be JUST a stay at home mom. Out of all of my friends who have children, one stays home. They are all working moms. Where I shouldn't care how my friends perceive me, I do. I already wrestle with the fact that I will never have a career like they do. I gave that up so my husband could have a career. I end up with minimum wage jobs (or no job) and taking care of the bills, the budget, sometimes finding a house and moving every three years so he can have his career and now I'm going to add stay at home mom to my resume.. I honestly felt like my friends were going to hand me the bon bons. NOTE - NONE of my friends have ever given me a reason to think this way.. I just built this all up in my head.

So I'm wrestling with all of this on a time crunch because I have to let my school know my decision in 3 days. I finally decided to go to God about this life changing decision I have to make. So that Saturday afternoon, while drinking a cold one on the back patio of my new, stupid hot Texas home, having a conversation with God.. or more my yelling at Him to tell me what to do because this is a big decision for one to make and there is a lot more going into it than I am writing,  I realize that I never thought of my mom JUST being a stay at home mom. I loved that she was always there for me. I loved that she was home when I got home from school and that she could go on my field trips. I never thought less of her for making that choice. In fact, I thought more of her for it. My mind flooded with all the children that have been in my life and then the choice was very clear and very simple. I wanted that degree. The MRS degree. 10 months later our little man joined us.

I'm happiest when Darren comes home from work and I can rattle off how I did six loads of laundry, cleaned the house, paid the bills, grocery shopped, and have dinner in the oven because I feel accomplished in the roll of being his wife. They aren't just chores as they are to some. So today while I wearing my sweet smelling baby, taking down his little clothes I felt complete. This is my career. Military wife. Stay at home mom. I am good at this. Times might change those things and we will roll with the punches when that happens. But for now, I like my job. I still want to be a paramedic and someday I hope to get the chance to chase that dream.


(To my working moms who might read this: I admire that you can do all the daily living chores and work a fulltime job. Please don't feel that I think less of you for doing so or that I am feeling above you because I don't work. I know some of you would love to be at home fulltime and some of you love being a working mom. This was just about my personal feelings and my choice I had to make)

Mighty Little Man

What do you do with a baby!

I think I'm finally getting this baby thing down.. finally. Which means he is going to change it up on me I just know it!

 I love babies. I love Declan. I didn't realize how boring they were and what on earth do you do with them all day! I really could sit and stare all day at his precious face but then nothing would get done. The first few weeks I was healing so I had a good excuse to sit, watch TV, and just hold him and nurse but now we are at week 6 and that excuse isn't flying anymore. He is getting the hang of this nursing thing {finally} and we are stretching out our feedings a little bit so I actually can be productive with my life but there is only so much I can do with one hand!

 I'm sure all you Momma's out there will laugh but I really didn't think about what to do with a baby. I would always jump at the chance to hold my friends' babies and babysit anyone's kid but I never thought about how do you go about your day to day with a baby. Kids you can do things with. Babies just lay there, at least for the first few months. You can't just stick it in the crib all day until it needs to eat or be changed. It was a huge smack in the face the first few days after my parents left and Darren went back to work. Declan loves to be held... more like he hates not to be held {thank goodness for baby wearing}.  So how do I get the dishes done, laundry done {so much laundry!} let alone go the bathroom and make sure my baby is happy at all times {I won't be a catering parent to all my children's needs and wants when they are older... but right now keeping him happy and feeling safe and secure is my job. Happy baby. Happy Momma. Happy Family}.  Darren helps with anything I need and is never upset when he comes home and sees the dishes haven't moved but have been added to and the laundry is still not done. He makes it a point to say taking care of Declan is my number one job so everything else can wait {I sure know how to pick them!} but gosh I used to be this fantastic multitasker and kept my house clean and dishes always put away. I honestly expected to be able to do the same once the baby got here ( you can laugh) I know time will help and we will get into the swing of things. I mean it only took me 5 weeks to go out and about by myself with Declan and now I feel completely comfortable doing so! Clearly I'm figuring it out but that was not something covered in my baby books!!

Momma's little snuggler

Declan's Entrance

February 4, 2014 I woke up earlier than I would have liked at 7:30 am with what I thought was gas pains. I took the necessary steps and realized we weren't having gas pains but contractions! I started watching the clock and noticed they were three minutes apart but they didn't hurt and I could talk and breathe through them. We already had a doc appointment set up that day so I called to let them know I was having contractions and then called Darren. He was supposed to be in a meeting all day where I wouldn't be able to reach him. Thankfully I got a hold of him before he went and someone else was able to go instead. I texted my dad, who was in Europe, to let him know that I couldn't guarantee the little one would wait until he returned! He called me a little bit later so we could talk just in case this was the last time before the baby was born. (How wonderful is technology that I can text and call my dad when he is across the ocean!) I packed up all our hospital bags and a change of clothes for Darren and met him at our appointment.  He gave me a hard time for bringing everything but I reminded him that my mom went in for a checkup with my brother and two hours later brought him home! I was 90% effaced I was still only 2 centimeters dilated. My doctor said I could go in 24 hours or it could still be two weeks. Once we got home I tried to nap and go about my day as usual (which let’s be honest, meant I was just going to watch TV and be lazy)

Around 9:30 that night my contractions went from being little tummy crunches into actually stopping me in my tracks. Of course they were all over the place time wise. We went to bed at 11 and I laid in bed until around 1 and finally gave up on the sleeping part. I moved to the living room and called my wonderful doula. By 1 am my contractions were about 7 minutes apart. She said to try and labor at home as long as possible so I bounced on my Pilates ball, ate ice chips, and watched TV until 3 am when the contractions hit the 3 minute mark. I woke up Darren (he will tell you I violently shook him awake; I did not!) and we headed to the hospital. We live 5 minutes from the hospital and by the time we got there they were about 1 minute apart.

The first nurse to measure me (which is not pleasant when you are having contractions) said I was 9 centimeters dilated! Everyone was running around crazy considering I was suppose to have antibiotics for at least 4 hours before I gave birth because I tested positive for the streptococcal and it looked like that wasn't going to happen. Darren texted our doula and both our doula and my doctor came screaming in. Evelyn, our doula, joked that I was trying to beat my mom’s record! The doctor measured me and realized I was only 6 centimeters dilated. Pam, my other doula arrived thankfully because I was convinced Declan was going to come out my hips instead and Pam is a registered masseuse and pushed in my hips for each contraction. Life saver. 

My original plan was to do all natural, no drugs, and not to give birth on my back. I wanted to squat; but around 7 am and 8 centimeters dilated my tolerable contractors turned into back labor and that is a whole new pain. Darren told me he was very impressed with how I was handling my labor; breathing through and not screaming or really making any sound even though my contractions were going off the chart on the computer. Once the back labor hit the game changed and I had to give in to an epidural. I finally got that magical drug at 9.5 centimeters. I truly got the perfect epidural; I was able to move my legs and feel my contractions, I just didn't feel any pain with them. Magical.

 Declan was ‘sunny side up’ and the doctor had me turn on my side for an hour to help rotate him. I really appreciated my doctor in that instead of going inside of me to turn him (which would have been invasive for me and traumatic for Declan) she opted for me to turn on my side. It was great having a doctor who just let nature work as it was intended. Even where a lot of doctors would have wanted to scrap me at 90% effaced she just sent me home and let me body do what it was suppose to do. Simply love her.

Though I hadn't wanted an epidural, if I had to do over again I wouldn't change a thing. At that point I had been up for 24 hours and I’m not sure I would have had the energy to push when needed if I hadn't gotten a little bit of rest.  This also gave Darren a chance to take a quick nap. We both got about an hour or so of sleep and I got so cold they had to bring me heated blankets {amazing} during that time. Finally Declan turned around and it was time for the show!! I decided to allow students in the room as long as they kept quiet (how else do they learn if they don’t watch?)

 A few minutes before we were getting ready to push Darren and I were informed that the hospital was shooting a commercial that morning and they had heard we didn't know if we were having a boy or a girl. They thought that was so cool they asked if they could film us and have the actual moment of finding out and use it for their commercial. We would get all the raw footage and what was a few more people in the room at this point! So we signed some papers and a camera man and a light tech joined our little party!

Darren texted our family and friends that we were getting ready to push and we began! My water had broken a little before then and it only took me a hour and a half of pushing for Declan to join us. (I apparently do take after my mom after all!) I did have to get oxygen because Declan’s heartbeat started to drop a little but that was the largest complication we had with him. Little Man joined us at 9:20 am February 5, 2014.

It’s such a surreal feeling. Part of me just didn't feel like he was even mine or this was even real. You wait and want for such a long time to have a baby and you get used to being pregnant and regardless of how long you labor for, in just a minute it changes you have this little baby. I loved him instantly but I also didn't feel he was mine until later that night when we were finally able to nurse. Not everyone might understand that but I only got to hold him for a few minutes before he was taken to the nursery and then it was hours before I saw him again and even though I could hold him he didn't need to nurse (his stomach was full of amniotic fluid we didn't know about) so I just felt like I was holding someone else’s baby. It wasn't until around 11 pm that night (after he threw it all up) I was able to nurse him and then it all hit home and he really became ‘mine’.

Darren went with Declan for all the nursery things while I got stitched up. However, given I was so swollen and being a redhead (we lose a lot of blood) it took an hour and my doctor had to call in another surgeon to get my stitches to hold. Then, as they were checking all the medical things out they realized they were missing a piece of gauze. So I got an x-ray to make sure it wasn't left inside of me {o fun}; it wasn't and after another hour they finally found it inside a glove. At this point I has been two hours since Declan was born and I lost double the amount of blood most women lose during child birth (not enough to have a transfusion) and I hadn't eaten since 10 pm the previous night all resulting in I passed out. Thankfully I was watching the anesthesiologist as I was coming too and asked him what he was about to give me. He responded with “a drug to protect my brain in case I had another seizure!” What! Someone had misinformed someone and thought I had a seizure instead of just passing out and thankfully I caught him before I was given any drugs! 

After all that excitement I finally got some food and we were moved to our postpartum room. (Until I got pregnant I didn't realize postpartum was what it was called after you gave birth. I thought it was just shortened from postpartum depression and I always wondered why there were so many women depressed after they had a baby)

We had a wonderful staff and stay at the hospital. I wouldn't change a single thing. I was sure I was going to have a little girl and now that he is here I just can’t even imagine having anything other than my beautiful little boy.