I will lift my voice

This past weekend my church attended a conference on evangelism. I was unable to attend but my Pastor posted on Facebook when he got home his testimony. Wednesday night in bible study, another lady mentioned that in the conference they said if you can not sit down and right your testimony, you need to have a chat with God. Pastor Lakan also said on Sunday in church that he will stop anyone and show them pictures of his grandchildren and that is how we need to be for the Lord. It's really stuck with me. I'll tell anyone about my son. I post constantly about how essential oils are helping my family (I'm sure you haven't noticed) but what about my Lord? He gave me the beautiful gift that we call Declan. He brought Young Living into my life. More importantly - HE is my life. Right?

So. My Testimony.

I was brought up in the church. My grandparents are believers, my parents are believers and the majority of my friends are as well (considering I met most of them at church) I went to church camp, christian school, and I have always been very involved with my church as a teen. Clearly, I was a christian. I knew my verses, I knew that Christ was my Savior. I knew that I could speak to Him personally and He was in control of my life. I have had some very deep and meaningful conversations with friends about God and who He was. I shed tears on mission trips when I saw Him working.

I went to college. Finally, my choice if I went to church or not. Freshman and some of sophomore year I was pretty good about going to church. Mostly because I had a dear friends whom I had grown up with and we all went together. We were involved in CRU (campus Crusaders for Christ) and I even did a mission trip to Germany for my freshman spring break with them. CRU left a bad taste in my mouth. I had been in a relationship with someone who was not a believer and they were pushing me to end it and frankly I thought they were wrong. This person was open to God and church. He came to church and CRU with us, he just wasn't saved yet. So I left Cru and stayed with him. Fast forward a year when we broke up - get this - because he became a christian and our relationship was not honoring God. It was a hard. It probably took me a little under a year to really move past him and we won't get into details of my lowest of low points during that time but lets say at night I prayed to God for his comfort but didn't trust it during the day. I joined my Sorority and slowly I began my climb back up. I helped lead a bible study and I got involved in InnerVaristy.

Darren (who is saved) and I got married in June of 2010 and moved to South Dakota. We quickly tried to find a church. Honestly, I don't know why. Maybe because I felt like it is what we were suppose to do. We found Calvary Baptist. I quickly fell in love with this church. The people, the pastor, the feel I got when I walked in the door. In Nov 2011 I was baptized by Pastor Steve. Darren and I had some conversations about it as did Sam and I. I frankly had no desire to be baptized but I decided to be simply because it is what God commanded and I was His follower and I felt it was important to obey God's authority. Through our time in SD I attended bible studies and helped in Awana. I saw God working in many aspects of my life and I felt His presence often, especially while Darren was deployed for 6 months.

Have you noticed in my story so far I haven't made mention of the time I asked Christ into my heart? In the Spring of 2013, before we left to Texas, Sam and I were discussing that. I told her how I don't really remember doing it. I was about 99% sure I had at some point but I couldn't tell you when. Probably at church camp. I had also heard once that where we should always be asking for forgiveness of our sins, we only need to ask Christ into our lives once and the constant doing so is like saying "God I don't actually trust you saved me so I'm going to ask again...and again... and again" I obviously didn't want to do that so I decided my 99% sureness was good enough. There had been times that I had started to pray it, a little half heartily, more of a reassurance type deal. But not seriously. I was discussing all of this with Sam. Homegirl can always hit me with the truth when I need it. She said, why don't you just have a conversation with Him about it and see how your heart feels afterwards? Tell Him what you are feeling and thinking. He'll respond. I pondered this for a while. A couple weeks. Not that I doubted her. I was just thinking it over.

April 18, 2013 we started our drive to Texas. I was following Darren and we were in WY. The mountains were beautiful. There was a stream running next to us. I just felt God there. I turned off my radio and decided well its now or never. God and I had a chat. I can even show you the exact spot on that road where I finally said those simple but powerful words "Lord, I need you in my heart. I know you died for my sins. Forgive me for what I have done, the things I have said and thought. Please come into my heart and transform it for you" I drove a little ways in silence and eventually turned my radio back on and continued my drive.

I've always seen God working in my life. His blessings. The people we have met and the opportunities we have had. Even the hardships we have faced like a deployment, Darren's migraines, the AF cut backs possibly affecting us. He's always been there, patiently waiting for me to come to Him. He's shown me how powerful He is so many times but it took me so long to see it. To really get it. That I might have been walking along His path but I was not walking on His path, following His footsteps.

Where I'm not a fan of Texas {I just don't do the heat!} I will be heartbroken to leave our church here. In the short 18 months that we have been attending and involved I have learned and grown more than I ever dreamed. They have transformed my thoughts. When they found out we were pregnant, they immediately prayed for Declan's salvation. Kid wasn't even born yet and they prayed. When they learned of my dear neighbor's Mom being ill and wouldn't make it much longer, the first words out of their mouths were "Is she saved" and then they prayed for her salvation and prayed that if she wasn't that the Lord would awake her just briefly enough for her to know Him before she passed {she was already}When our pastor's wife was taken from this world with cancer, they rejoiced in knowing she was in Heaven. Her children gathered around her and sang praise music and worshiped God. In highschool I would  look forward to bible study, Sunday school, church, to see my friends; Now I can't wait to hear what the Lord has done in my friends lives, I can't wait to see what He wants to show me in His scripture. I can not wait to see what the Lord has in store for our lives, whether in trial and tribulation or in His blessings. And - I can not wait to share the Lord with my son.

That is my testimony. What is yours?

Patience.

Patience... I'm learning patience. I'm an instant gratification type of person. I hate waiting on my cookies to be done, events to happen, or waiting for things I want to purchase. I have the hardest time learning something new because as excited and open to learning new things as I am I get frustrated that it takes time and I don't know it instantly. Example: Darren bought me a new camera, a DSLR! I love it. I hate having to learn about it! I just want to know how everything works and be able to take great photos right away but sadly that isn't happening and I'm having to actually learn the different between shutter speed, aperture, and what on earth F stop is. But I'll get it because I know the time I put into will be worth it later on. The struggle is real though... I told my brother I wish I could just download his brain into mine. I  "just want to do it" I hate reading directions or being shown how to do something. Let me do it! I'll learn on the way!  I'm a very hands on person.

Declan is teaching me patience in more ways than I ever knew possible. First off he is trying so hard to crawl and getting so frustrated at the same time! I help him a bit. I try to show him how and I pick him up when he gets too angry but I know his frustration is what will fuel his ability to move and with time (see patience) he will get it. But for me, I just want him to be able to do it. I know he will be happier. {I probably won't be because now I have a baby on the move!} but he will be. But it is out of my hands. So I must idly sit by and watch him struggle {I'm sure this is somehow getting me ready for the rest of his life, watching him struggle and knowing when to intervene and when to let him fall} He'll get it. When he is ready.

He is teaching me patience {and trust} as we start food. Instead of doing purees we have gone straight to table foods - he eats whatever we eat- and we let Declan feed himself.  This helps dexterity, eye hand coordination, and he learns how to move food around his mouth much quicker than spoon feeding him. (not that there is something wrong with spoon feeding! Just after some research we felt this was better for us!) He's actually pretty good with a spoon on his own! There are many times I want to just do it myself. Let me put the food in your mouth! I will actually get it in your mouth rather than you getting it everywhere but the opening we are aiming for! Every time I step in and try to help, he gags. But if I sit back, let him learn and be patient he will eventually get it in his mouth without any gagging. And he's much happier doing it himself!

Lastly, he is teaching me patience at night but more importantly asking for patience. Since we started foods his little gut is working so hard to process all these new things so at night ...usually between the hours of 1-5... he is very unhappy. He fusses until I can get a burp or a fart of out him and then he will go back to sleep but that can take anywhere from 15 minutes to 1 hour and it isn't guaranteed how long the sleep will last until another bubble works its way through. And during this time of gassy unhappiness he is crying. Marshal leaves the room... lucky dog. Darren has moved back to the guest bedroom for the time being... lucky husband. So it's just me and a gassy baby at 3 am. We've tried bicycles, gripe water, colic/gas tablets (which so far seem to be the best help!), and patting or more so drumming. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it doesn't matter. I have found what really matters is my attitude and that all depends on before I fall asleep. The nights I go to bed without asking for God to give me patience are awful. I am cranky and angry. I have no patience for my poor Little Man and I'm grumpy in the morning. But the nights I go to bed praying, asking God to grant me patience, to remind me this is a small window in hopefully a long life, that Declan needs my comfort, and he isn't doing this on purpose; I am calm. Even if the crying lasts a hour or more. I am patient. I am understanding. So again... my little 6 month old {almost 7 months!!} gassy man is teaching me more about the Lord and His control than I ever imagined.